In the eye of the storm

The first time I ever saw my Mum in hospital was the most frightening thing I'd ever had to endure. The clear tubes that ran from mummy's veins made me cry. The bag's of chemotherapy that hung from a drip attached to her constantly...it was just all too overwhelming for my ten year old self.

Now though, as I turn the familiar corners of the Cancer ward, I don't feel anything. I'm not sad or angry or depressed. I just don't feel. Anything. I can't begin to fathom what's going on, why I'm here. Then I remember the look on Daddy's face as he outstretched his hand to mine. I'd been at a friends when he'd knocked. He'd gone to the hospital and I wasn't aloud home alone. He didn't have to say anything, he didn't have anything to say. The tears had already started making their way down my cheeks, and that's when I knew.
Tonight would be the last time I ever saw my mummy.

Now it all became too real for me. I couldn't quite believe what was happening. I'd somehow walked from the car park to the intensive care unit and now I was stood in front of two giant white doors. My eyes stung and my head was pounding but all I wanted to do was see my Mummy. A nurse finally came and opened the doors. As I walked past the patients rooms, I searched for my Mum...but after looking into all of them I just couldn't seem to find her. For the first time, I thought they'd got it wrong. They'd got it wrong. Mum was fine. Of course she was... But then as I turned around to see Daddy, I realised they hadn't been wrong at all. My mummy was going to die. I'd walked straight past her, not even recognising the woman who meant the world to me. She was twice the size of her normal self, due to the amount of fluids and drugs they'd given her. Her skin was yellow and there was a thick horrible tube rammed down her throat to keep her breathing. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. She was so beautiful and pretty. I couldn't find the words to say anything, I'd started crying again and this time it wasn't going to stop. This time, I wasn't going to be okay.

We'd left the hospital an hour after arriving, because my Mum's health was deteriorating and I wasn't aloud to be there when she stopped breathing. If I could of been there, I would of been. She wasn't alone though, Nanny Sue was with her the whole time. Nan told me she held her hand and stayed next to her through everything.
I slept next to Dad that night. I don't know how long it took for me to run out of tears or finally cry myself to sleep...but I know it happened because when I woke up Daddy was on the phone and Mummy was dead.