I've been wanting to create a blog for so long, but every time I attempt to do so, I end up staring at the screen wondering what has happened in my puny seventeen years that's even worth me writing about..So, I've decided for now I'm going to start by writing about what hasn't happened.
I often get asked "Kirsty, where do you see yourself in five, ten years time?" but I can't seem to think beyond my current situation. I can't begin to explain the amount of emotions and thoughts that I feel in one day. I feel weighed down by society's judgement of how we should live..How we should go to school, learn what they think we should learn, get a job, go on to have children and then retire. I don't see myself doing that. I think that's why I'm struggling to see beyond the situation i'm in right now..but then again, I know it's not that reason alone. When I think of staying in this town, I feel a sadness I can't seem to suppress. I'm not familiar with the feeling, not really, not exactly. I just long to be able to show people I don't need help. "I'm strong enough on my own"..But it's easier said than done. As is everything.
Sometimes, I question my life...my purpose, and sometimes I even struggle to find one. I wake up, and as many people do, I think of the negative things before the positive things even cross my mind. It's almost like, I've forgotten how to be happy..not in a sad, feel sorry for myself way. Or at least, I don't mean for it to sound like that, at all. It's just sometimes, It's unbelievably difficult to reason with myself. I can't seem to comprehend all of the things I have to think about. Like, how am I going to start my life, when I don't have anyone but myself to help. I have things to be thankful for, I don't know what I'd do without Will, my best friend and boyfriend. I'd hate to sound ungrateful for having him..because I honestly don't know how I'd get out of bed in the morning if I didn't. He's been my rock for the last year, and I wouldn't change him for the world.
I've always struggled showing how I feel, unless I'm angry or feeling negative, then of course I have no problem expressing my feelings. Which is backwards and I beat myself up about it maybe a little more than I should..But then again, maybe not. I worry about how I'm going to cope in the "big wide world" when I feel so alone. I feel like someone's picked me up and plonked me on an island somewhere far from everything, even though I'm surround by people. You're probably thinking the people I'm around aren't the right kind of people, but the truth is, I've never met such a welcoming, loving family. I will never be able to show enough gratitude towards Wills and his family for letting my live in their already crowded home. They invited me in when they where struggling themselves, and have fed me, and welcomed me into their family. I've never really said how grateful I am. Although, I sometimes think, how could I possibly put that into words? Thank you doesn't quite cut it.
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