Alone

I kept walking, my head bowed never daring to look up. I couldn't face their stares and how they'd stop talking as I'd walk past. The worst thing was that I knew without a shadow of a doubt I was the topic everybody was suddenly interested in. I didn't go straight to class, instead I carried on until I reached the girl's toilet's. I nearly fell into one of the cubicles, my vision now blurry with the tears I'd held back. Until now. I stumbled for the lock and managed to slide it into place. The girl's toilet's door creaked open, and I heard somebody walk in. "Kirsty? I saw you come in... Are you okay? Kirst'?" It was Nicola. She'd been my on and off friend for a few years now. I slid the lock across, and slowly walked out. I knew my face was red and blotchy, and I hated it when people saw me like this. "I'm so sorry, Kirsty. I don't know what to say. I heard about your mum, and she was a lovely woman. Don't cry, please, she wouldn't want you to cry." She didn't sound exactly sympathetic, just a bit impatient. "Come on, Kirst' we're late for lesson." I just stared at her. I couldn't possibly begin to imagine sitting in a room full of people right now...but once again I found myself standing in front of two big doors and I couldn't remember for the life of me how I'd managed to get there.

The first two weeks after I lost Mum wasn't quite as bad as I thought it would be. People didn't mention it and didn't stare any more when I cried. I still couldn't accept she wasn't coming back. I cried myself to sleep every night, or rest just wouldn't come. I continued my spiral into depression. I didn't know how to cope. People had already started to get agitated and annoyed when I cried, I realised it made people feel uncomfortable. I couldn't blame them for not understanding, but after a month of mum dying, they were becoming damn cruel. "Why are you crying, Kirsty? It's been ages now" I was so used to people saying that. People I saw every day. "We think you need to, well, get over it a little bit Kirsty. I really don't mean it horribly, but it's been over a month now and all you do is cry. It's beginning to get boring and I promise I don't mean to be rude, but it's, well, like you're attention seeking." Amy stared at me waiting for me to say something. She'd been my friend for a while, but ever since mum dying she just didn't seem to care. I didn't expect her to understand, I knew no one ever could...but at the same time, if she didn't understand I didn't expect her to judge me either. She was "comforting" me now, hugging me. I didn't say anything, because if I did I knew I'd cry...and that just wasn't acceptable any more.

Although I tried my hardest, I still cried at school far too much and the more I did the more people seemed to dislike me. I had no friends any more. I'd started self harming by now, and I was trying so desperately to keep it from everybody there. As I walked through the school, I saw Nicola standing outside of my English class. She didn't look at me straight away, and I knew something was wrong. "What's happened?" I asked, pausing in front of her. When she finally looked up she said "Have you been slashing your wrists? Have you?" the look of disgust on her face hit me hard. "What are you talking about?" I replied. "Don't even try to lie. Charley saw your arms in P.E and she's told everyone. She said they were really bad and infected and I just can't believe you'd do this Kirsty. Get a fucking grip, everything you do is for attention now and I'm sick of it." Her words cut me deeper than any razor blade ever could. "...She's told everyone" the words rang in my ears as I watched her walk away.

I didn't go to English. I wrote myself a sick note and I went home. I couldn't be there any longer. Everybody knew. Once I'd walked home, I ran a bath and I didn't get out of it until it was too cold to lay in any longer. Once I'd finally dried myself, I'd taken my razor blades, chosen the sharpest one and started carving a story I so longed for people to understand into the flesh of my thighs.

If nobody cared, I didn't care either.