Flashback of the past

I stare at the ceiling, the swirls in the paint making my head feel dizzy. The pain in my chest becomes all too real now, like someone is sitting on the top half of my sixteen year old body. I feel my eyes well, although I was sure I'd ran out of tears an hour ago. Feeling sorry for myself is not something I enjoy. I appreciate the moments of independence and strength I sometimes feel when my mind lets me forget for a short while the pain I'm feeling. However, now is not one of them times and I feel tired and worn out but sleep is not an option.

I see her in front of me. Dancing, laughing and sipping from her glass, any worries she has are not important right now. She is Fourty, and I am nine. My feet ache from the high-heeled shoes she let me wear, after me begging and getting Dad to agree to buy them for me. I look at her now, really look. She seems so happy. I've never seen her look this care-free and young. She dances and swings her hair in time to the music. Nan comes to join her, something I'm surprised to see. I smile and giggle as I watch them make fools of themselves. Running over to join in the fun, I realise my mum is beautiful. I've never noticed before now how shiny her hair is and how pretty she looks when she smiles. I tug her hand, and she holds mine. I reach for Nan's and she laughs, taking mine in hers. They swing me around, letting me down to dance with them. My legs struggle to keep up with theirs. Ellie pushes herself into the middle of the three of us, I'm glad to see her. My little sister. She looks just as beautiful as Mum, and envy washes over me. What I'd do to look like my baby sister. The feeling disappears as quickly as it came. I pick her up as she giggles and swings her legs around me. We dance like this, but not for long. Ell's runs after Mum and Nan, who are escaping the dance floor. I follow them, feeling completely overwhelmed by happiness.
The memory ends there and I come crashing back to reality, hitting it hard. I'd been so lucky to experience the love my Mum had showered me with, but I can't help feeling betrayed and cheated. It's not fair she had to leave this world. It's not fair she's never coming back. It's just not fair me and Ellie had to say goodbye to our mummy when we had so many things planned. Although, I've learned fairness doesn't come into it. She is gone, and a thousand tears can't change that. I thank whoever's up there for the time I spent with my mummy, and curse them in the same moment that they'd stolen her away from us when I was only twelve, and Ellie was only nine.