Empty and overflowing

"Smile!" I shouted as I focused my gaze on the beautiful woman through the lens of my throw away camera. I clicked once, twice, three times just for good luck. She rarely let anybody take photographs of her, she'd always be the one behind the camera. So when she said yes to a photo I was over the moon. She had posed smiling, and my heart had swelled with affection. I ran across the sand and fell next to her, hugging her from the side. I kissed her cheek and the familiar scent of her skin made me smile. She always smelled so lovely, like honey and white musk. She leaned her head on mine as I rested on her shoulder. We both stared in the same direction, in no direction. The sound of seagulls numbed my brain and made it almost impossible to think about anything else. I was grateful though. I didn't want to sadden myself, I was enjoying my mummy's company. It seemed a lifetime ago that she was lying in a hospital bed, fighting an almost impossible battle. Somehow, she did it though...and the thought only made my throat tighten and my eyes fill with tears. So for now, all I wanted to think about was the sound of the sea gulls, the waves crashing against the shore and the scent of honey and white musk.

I had the same feeling in my throat now, as I did that very day. The memory of my mum never failed to cause a painful, hollow sensation in the pit of my stomach. I wrapped my arms around myself, squeezing as hard as I could. I pressed my forehead against the wall, and let felt my body shake as I cried as hard as I could. I stayed like that for however long it took before finally falling into a unsettled sleep. 

I ran my fingers across the glass and watched her smile at me through the gaps between the blinds. Her face lit up and she looked as healthy as she'd ever been. I could of almost completely forgot she was sick, until I noticed the tube that was rooted into mummy's chest. The tube was normally clear, but this time it was red. I knew mummy was having a blood transfusion, something I'd heard her discussing with Nanny Sue. She turned her head to look out of the small window, when all of a sudden I felt myself moving backwards. I wasn't walking, or really moving...but I could see her getting further and further away. I felt utterly helpless. I wanted to run as fast as I could, to curl up next to her in her hospital bed and she'd stroke my hair the way she always did. However when I tried to run, I felt nothing but the weight of my legs holding me firmly where I was. I fell down, clawing at the ground beneath me, at the air around me. I became manic and couldn't seem to stop the feeling of desperation overcoming me completely. I started to fall, unable to grab anything that would stop me from descending further. I squeezed my eyes shut, unable to comprehend what had just happened. My eyes stung and my cheeks were wet. I couldn't stop my tears from pouring, I couldn't possibly begin to try. 

I felt my body jolt and my eyes were now very much open. I was forced back into a world I had no means of escaping, a pain I had no way of coping with. The reality of my mum's death hit me once again, like a train with no lights. My chest seemed to tighten, and I felt the hollow feeling I was now so accustomed to, deepen and swallow me whole...promising to never let me free.