Wednesday, 22 October 2014

It's time

I feel it's time to write about who I am today.

Today feels lonely. I expected living alone would occasionally feel like this, and most days aren't lonely days but when they do suffice, they hurt. I feel the loneliness inside of me, creeping up my inside walls finding a way into my heart. It's a pain I can't describe, although I very much feel it. I can't tell you the root to my loneliness, as it's not being alone that hurts me. In a way I was used to being on my own before I moved out. I relied on myself for a very long time, at a very young age. Although now, I like my independence and have grown with it. I am not the scared little girl I was six years ago. I am not the self harmer or the girl who cries too much any longer. I am merely the girl who's moved on with her life, and I think I'm doing pretty well. However, these feelings become blurred when loneliness kicks in.
My eighteen year old self no longer cries weekly in mourning over my Mother. If I'm totally honest, I rarely let myself think of the loss. Don't get me wrong I still think about her and the times we shared, however I no longer have to cry myself to sleep in order to try and release these emotions. I've learned the feelings will never escape, it is just something I have to live with and cope with or I'll go crazy trying to fight them. 
"The sense of loss will never ebb away, it simply becomes part of you, like a familiar coat or cardigan you wrap around you. But this pain and loss makes you stronger, giving you a sense of purpose to go on and to continue your life as your Mum would want you too..." 
After someone special to me offered these kind words, I realised there is no better way to describe my loss than that. At first, the coat is heavy and pulls you down. It is a burden. However as time travels and you seem to be rooted to the same spot without movement, you realise when you peer back how far you've come. It doesn't hit you right away, and if I'm completely honest, It has only just dawned on me how different I am to the girl who lost her mummy. When I say to myself I was only twelve when she was taken, my heart breaks into a million pieces. I'm always going to be that twelve year old somewhere deep down. However I've learned to build on her, make her stronger and independent. I've learned to embrace the feelings that used to haunt me, and I feel like a different person altogether sometimes. I've made her proud, I'm sure of it...and from the day she passed, that was my one and only goal.

For Ellie
I know you can't remember this, sweetie. So I'll remember it for you. After Mum was diagnosed with cancer the first time and she was at home in remission, she sat us both together on her bed and told us some things I can never forget. "I love you girls more than anyone in this whole world. You know that, and don't you ever forget it." She said this with tears in her eyes, looking more vulnerable than ever. "...And if anything ever happens to me, you both promise me you'll look after each other and care for each other and stand by one another's sides? Promise me" I don't blame you for being too young to remember Ells, you were only eight...but we did promise her. And although I feel like I haven't stuck to my promise, and haven't been there for you as much as I should of been, well I just want you to know I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you and standing by you through tough and easy. I love you Eleanor, with all of my heart and everything else I have. You're my baby, and you always will be. Don't ever forget how far you've come, and how far you're going. You have the world at your feet and I will always be proud of the beautiful young woman you've turned into. Forever and always my princess, I promise. x

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Flashback of the past

I stare at the ceiling, the swirls in the paint making my head feel dizzy. The pain in my chest becomes all too real now, like someone is sitting on the top half of my sixteen year old body. I feel my eyes well, although I was sure I'd ran out of tears an hour ago. Feeling sorry for myself is not something I enjoy. I appreciate the moments of independence and strength I sometimes feel when my mind lets me forget for a short while the pain I'm feeling. However, now is not one of them times and I feel tired and worn out but sleep is not an option.

I see her in front of me. Dancing, laughing and sipping from her glass, any worries she has are not important right now. She is Fourty, and I am nine. My feet ache from the high-heeled shoes she let me wear, after me begging and getting Dad to agree to buy them for me. I look at her now, really look. She seems so happy. I've never seen her look this care-free and young. She dances and swings her hair in time to the music. Nan comes to join her, something I'm surprised to see. I smile and giggle as I watch them make fools of themselves. Running over to join in the fun, I realise my mum is beautiful. I've never noticed before now how shiny her hair is and how pretty she looks when she smiles. I tug her hand, and she holds mine. I reach for Nan's and she laughs, taking mine in hers. They swing me around, letting me down to dance with them. My legs struggle to keep up with theirs. Ellie pushes herself into the middle of the three of us, I'm glad to see her. My little sister. She looks just as beautiful as Mum, and envy washes over me. What I'd do to look like my baby sister. The feeling disappears as quickly as it came. I pick her up as she giggles and swings her legs around me. We dance like this, but not for long. Ell's runs after Mum and Nan, who are escaping the dance floor. I follow them, feeling completely overwhelmed by happiness.
The memory ends there and I come crashing back to reality, hitting it hard. I'd been so lucky to experience the love my Mum had showered me with, but I can't help feeling betrayed and cheated. It's not fair she had to leave this world. It's not fair she's never coming back. It's just not fair me and Ellie had to say goodbye to our mummy when we had so many things planned. Although, I've learned fairness doesn't come into it. She is gone, and a thousand tears can't change that. I thank whoever's up there for the time I spent with my mummy, and curse them in the same moment that they'd stolen her away from us when I was only twelve, and Ellie was only nine.